In what might be the most underreported story of the decade, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s alleged younger sister, Belinda Ocasio-Cortez, or “BOC,” is facing up to twenty years in federal prison after what officials are calling a “politically motivated rage incident” at a Tesla dealership in Yonkers.
The arrest was first reported by a DoorDash driver named Pete, who told Patriot Skater News he was dropping off a burrito bowl at the dealership when he saw a woman with purple hair, a Che Guevara hoodie, and a can of spray paint yelling “Capitalism is theft!” while breaking the windows of a Model X with what looked like a copy of Karl Marx’s Das Kapital.
“She was wild,” Pete said. “Like, she wasn’t even tagging anything cool. She just wrote ‘Elon = Evil’ and ‘Eat the Rich (but vegan)’ over and over again.”
According to a leaked police report that no one will verify or claim to have written, Belinda was found in the dealership’s breakroom attempting to unplug the coffee machine because, in her words, “the beans were grown under an imperialist system of oppression.”
A source inside the dealership, who asked to remain anonymous because “they didn’t want to get roasted on TikTok,” said that the suspect claimed to be AOC’s sister at least four times, stating:
“I have immunity! My sister’s in Congress! We’re fighting for the Green New Deal, and this place is selling battery-powered nightmares!”
When asked for comment, Elon Musk responded with a single emoji: Interpret that however you want.
The vandalism caused an estimated $600,000 in damage, including keyed cars, shattered solar roof panels, and a strangely accurate mural of Jeff Bezos crying into a pile of bitcoins. Officials also discovered a duffel bag full of tofu jerky and Greta Thunberg stickers, which they say links the incident to Earth Justice Warriors, a fringe environmental group that believes air conditioning is a hate crime.
The Justice Department, led by Elon Musk’s newly appointed watchdog group DOGE (Department of Governmental Exploitation), says charges could include destruction of federal property, eco-terrorism, and excessive self-righteousness in a no-protest zone.
Naturally, Rep. AOC denied everything on X (formerly Twitter), posting:
“I don’t even have a sister named Belinda. Y’all just make things up because you’re afraid of women with opinions and sustainable skincare routines.”
When asked if anyone had ever seen AOC and Belinda in the same room, no one could say for sure.
When asked if BOC even exists, even fewer could confirm.
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